lovinana (lovinana) wrote in nervosawreck,

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Hey girls, yeah this may be long but please read it i could really use the support, and i may be leaving soon... I havn't been around very much... i'm currently 5'7 and 111 pounds... i got down to 109, unfortunatly thanksgiving with 18 members of my relatives...and i wasn't forced but if anyone knows the pressure of having 18 people looking at ya... you'll know what i mean... I was officially diagnosed anorexic yesterday at the doctors office, they're sending me to treatment if you remember my earlier post(s)... my parents keep telling me, "eat please hunny, buy us some time." well i'm sick of eating for them, "buying THEM time" so i've stopped eating... its so confusing now, my heart is set on being 89-93 pounds and my mind is slowly saying you need to get better come on... and now i don't know what to think, keep fasting, or eat healthy until i can get real help... The fact of the matter is that with my heart and mind occupied i have no time to think or feel about anything else, all i do during the day is write in my journal to keep my hand from shaking from malnutrition... the sad part is that i have no idea what i've done all this week, like i'm just going through the motions, which is also from malnutrion, my skin is blotchy and pail, i'm weak, and lightheaded, my nail are all breaking, and i'm utterly freezing 24/7... my hair is thinning and yet when i look in the mirror all i'm doing is getting bigger and bigger...i see myself as everyone else says "dying" which i mean i guess i am... but what in hells name do i really look like? if we have such distorted vision and people say i look too thin, what do i really look like? i'd like to find out, but really if i look bad to me now, won't at some point i look better, after i drop more weight? i don't know anymore, so at the moment until they can get all the stupid financing worked out and i'm leaving i'm fasting...contradiction truly but i don't know where i'm going in life... what is after this? i don't even know, i'm in a about to cry mood right now... and i don't like that mood, because i never know what i'm about to cry about... I want to recover but i don't... and its here that i end my post because you're probably tired of listening to me...
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